As she watched the two of them shake hands she felt a little nervous. Two very different parts of her world were colliding. To her left was the man she thought she was supposed to be with for over a year. A man whom she rarely ever saw and talked to only every other month or so. To her right was the man she met less than a year ago. A man she had gotten to know much deeper in some ways because they talked almost every day...There was certainly a connection between them, strong and trusting in some ways, fragile and unspoken in others.
To not be with you. It never gets easier to know you are so far away. It never gets easier to pretend that I don't feel for you what I do. It never gets easier knowing I feel more for you than you do for me. It never gets easier wondering if we are really supposed to be together, or if that's just something I want to believe because I think you are perfect for me. It never gets easier wondering if you would get bored with me, if I would disappoint you, if I wouldn't be enough for you. It never gets easier to feel so connected to you but pretend like I don't, pretend like I can't tell when you are upset, or want to be there for you when you are. It never gets easier to ever say no to anything you offer, more than anything, I think this is what is hardest of all, what sticks with me the longest, what tears me up inside, what haunts my decision making ability, my confidence in myself, feeds into my biggest fear, you. Sometimes I think I'm too old to have this fear of you, I mean, what purpose does it really serve me? I think I should just open up to you and tell you exactly how I feel, and set myself free, but my fear, my fear is that it would change things forever between us, and not in the way that I would want them to. If I put myself out there like that, it would surely change things and I don't know if I could stand not at least having you in my life even if it is only as a friend. I guess part of me thinks having you only as a friend rather than loosing you forever is worth holding inside all of my feelings, all of my thoughts, love, and passion; that losing you completely is worse than missing out on everything else. Not telling you is a sort of slow agonizing death to my passion and all those parts of me that are more alive around you than at any other time of my life, versus a quick rejection that I would eventually get over. When I tell myself I'm strong, am I being honest with myself? Will I ever be able to be completely honest with you?